Here’s to you, West Coast

Well, we’re almost done with 2008. I’ll resist the urge to do a long list (I’ve gotta do one for next week’s column anyway), but it’s worth taking some time to take a deep breath and, in a way, be relieved to have even survived this year of pretty awesome ups (at least one, with the “did that actually happen?” Obama victory) and a whole litany of low (and lower) lows. The other day I actually had to turn NPR off--it was just one miserable story after another. One hopes for happiness and joy during the holidays and this year it seemed that everyone had to fight for a grimace, let alone a smile.

But it was not all that bad, of course. I just got back from San Francisco--I’d share my photos, but many of them were lost due to a technical problem that’s almost too annoying to go into here--which, as usual, was a mix of vacation and Pony Express style darting between family, friends and, sometimes, rest. It was great to see everyone, of course--special appearance by Pepe needs to be called out here--but as far as actual relaxing vacation? Nope.

Every time I go back to San Francisco I seem to notice something, and this time was no different. I couldn’t help but notice how precious so many things seemed to be. I tend to be pretty...jocular? this time of year, especially when I go to San Francisco, but almost everyone I interacted with, whether it be a restaurant’s hostess or coffee plebe, was just...dour. So cool that to be nice to someone that wasn’t glum was too much effort. It was frustrating as hell, to be honest, because it underscored the perception of San Francisco being self-absorbed and haughtier-than-thou, you know? Cheer up, folks! You live in a great city! Enjoy it--and the people who are returning home to visit. It just doesn’t makes sense to me to take oneself so seriously, especially in San Francisco. They need a return of a rave scene or something, to knock them about.

But my friends seemed to be doing well, same with my family. Saw my cousin Patrick play jazz and saw a theatrical version of Star Wars with Kenji, Sam and Whitney. Oh, and I went to the new Academy of Sciences, which I have been looking forward to checking out for years and years. The building’s pretty great--if, somehow, small-feeling, perhaps because of the two massive spheres that inhabit the main space. They bend over backwards to tell you how green the building is, with insulation made of blue jeans and the cement warmed by hot water...but I gotta tell you, I never took off my jacket and scarf inside! I was disappointed by the two exhibits on either wing--it was mostly reading and watching videos, which, well, you can do on a website, you know? A museum has to be more than reading and viewing. The aquarium below, was nice, but really dark and claustrophobic--it was like being an intestine. Of course, it was also super crowded, but I still felt that I was just winding my way through a deep cave with some fish in the walls. They did retain the original seahorse railing (and crocodile pit, complete with the white one), which I have known since I was a few years old--that was great. But, in the end, while there was a lot on how screwed up the environment is and how humans better change or we’re all going to be d-e-d dead, I just didn’t feel like I was learning anything. It was mostly focused on earth sciences--there were no space exhibits as far as we could tell. It’s gorgeous, though--I am really, really bummed I lost my pictures of the roof and the exhibits. Next time, I guess.

I get it, the museum is still finding its voice, but for $25, I thought it was kind of a ripoff--and believe me, I came into it really wanting to like it, even after spending 2 hours outside in 40° weather...

Yesterday I took a day off work and basically ran errands. It was nice, I started off at The Griddle and ate breakfast while reading some comics. As happens more and more, some guy started talking to me about comics and I mentioned that I write for a comic book website, and his reaction was like, “That’s the coolest job ever!” and I had to admit that it was actually kind of cool (though a weekly column does not a full time job make). While I have been pretty down on this year, it’s been mostly because I just didn’t make the kind of progress I was hoping to make with my acting career. But on a purely selfish level, things were pretty good:

• Whit’s surgery went well
• I had a lot of fun meeting new friends at WonderCon and Comic-Con
• I am writing for iFanboy
• I did a ton of yoga and I am closing in on two years of practicing
• I’m working on some great scripts both by myself and with Nick
• I produced those shorts for work
• I have been asked to be in a few short films
• My friends are healthy, having kids, still working and seem to be happy
• My own work is going quite well and I am still learning a lot

Last week, I ended up visiting both of my agencies. My commercial agency was actually bought by another one (I am now represented by Talentworks Los Angeles for commercials; ACME is, as of last Friday, done--check out the press release if you are interested), so I got to go to the new office and sign a bunch of paperwork. (On a sidenote - I am with the same agency as William Shatner! How rad is that?) Suffice to say--I am really excited about 2009.

I’ve talked about it before, but the relationship one has with their agents and manager is just so...specific, you know? I have a small phalanx of great people that are working, hard, to get me auditions. Just getting an agent...I mean, that took awhile, and then it took even longer to find an agent that was able to get me work in the first place. I am incredibly fortunate, really, to have Imperium-7 and Talentworks working with me, it is incredibly humbling.

Anyway, I had a really good meeting with Emily, Brian and Mandy at Talentworks. They have been very supportive and encouraging and have always made me very welcome whenever I come by and say hello. And I was grateful to them for being so great on Friday, to be honest. It’s been a tough year, as you know. I’ve done a lot of work, but most of it was non paying. Great experiences*, sure, but, like, I’m not helping anyone pay their bills, you know? So, when you meet with your agents, there’s this feeling, this overwhelming feeling, of “thank you for being so patient--it will get better, it will!” The fact they kept me on during the move brings me to the title of this entry--it’s validation, it’s trust that this team believes in me and that belief, that support is, really, one of reasons why I keep at this. It’s the main reason, of course, but it’s a big kick in the ass to keep me positive.

All people, but artists and performers in particular, despite their loud protestations, need validation. However, to admit it somehow means that you are weak, that you are doing your art to please other people. And, to some extent, that argument is correct. I act to entertain people (friends and family especially), to make them feel something. If I suck at it, people will not be interested. If they are into it, then there is a degree of validation to my endeavor. To an extent, that validation keeps me going, it makes me work hard to be “better” -- to make more honest choices, to rely less on theatrical tricks, to work in projects that people will want to watch. Validation does not mean “you’ve done it, you’re good” -- it means, “hey, you are on the right path, keep going.”

So whenever I get a nice email from my agent or manager, even a short one, it puts a skip in my step. I know how that sounds--it could very well sound needy and lacking of self confidence. It’s not, trust me. If I was lacking in self-confidence I would be living somewhere else.

Validation has changed, for me, through the years. When I first started out, like, in high school, validation came in the form of laughter and applause. Makes sense; those were first cues that I was getting something right. Then, later, in college, it was more about getting validation from other actors and directors (something that has definitely not gone away (nor will it ever)). When I was doing summer theater way back when, I loved that I could do a show for a bunch of people who didn’t know me--I could just do the show and disappear into the night. There, the validation came from making each show sharper and fuller. In New York, it was all a mix. Now, the validation comes from the feedback and training I am getting in class and, of course, from the others I have discussed above.

Of course, there is overt validation--how many people come to see the show, what reviewers say, etc. Ironically, in my day job, I have the same challenge--the products we release are offered up, for validation, I suppose, to the Mac community and Mac press. I have several press interviews next week to talk about what we are doing and whenever we get a new product out, we are constantly wondering what the product reviews are going to say--the higher the rating, the higher the validation, resulting in credibility in the Mac community and, business wise, increased sales.

We all wrestle with validation and our relationship with it. Every job requires someone to validate how well we are doing. The struggle with growing older is figuring out to compromise the feelings of “I don’t need the validation of someone who doesn’t get it, man” and “Wow, if I do a good job, there will more opportunities”. To accept the value of external validation without compromising your independence and idealism, to enjoy that wrestling match...is that where the wrinkles come from?

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* These are already posted on the web at Enormous Productions, so I feel like it’s okay to talk about them now Remember those spots I did for work? Well, here they are. Hope you like them.

Tags: validation,acting,work